Erma Bombeck (1927-1996) American journalist, author, humorist

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I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62 percent of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. - Erma Bombeck


Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. - Erma Bombeck


When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. - Erma Bombeck


People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. - Erma Bombeck


Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. - Erma Bombeck


No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there's a wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick. - Erma Bombeck


A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend-and he's a priest. - Erma Bombeck


Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No, thank you,' to dessert that night. And for what! - Erma Bombeck


Education is so important when it comes to domesticity. I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows. - Erma Bombeck